Why I left, and why I’m back.
Okay so this is probably going to be long winded and not going to make any sense >.<
So the night that I deleted my blog was a really, really hard night for me. The whole week was pretty bad, actually- lots of cutting involved, I wasn’t eating, and I had fainted that day. But that night was the worst. I won’t go into the sordid details, but there was uncooperative cops involved, lots of frantic driving through the thunder and rain, and angry parents. All I could think when I deleted my blog was, I can’t have another night like this again. I couldn’t. My heart as a physical organ couldn’t take it.
So I changed the theme of my blog to redirect to my fanfiction blog, and thought it would fix it.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
So that night, I barely slept. I just kept crying and crying into the next day. I realize how pathetic that sounds, thank you. I cried till like, noon, then I got out of bed and went and cried in my car. So basically, that day and the day after (yesterday) was a series of me crying in different locations. I didn’t talk to some people, I did talk to a few, and I generally tried to avoid tumblr. Eventually, though, I did sign onto my fanfiction blog; and lo and behold, the hate had moved onto there. I’d never gotten hate before on that blog, because I’d never linked it to sifusparky, but now that I did, the hate sort of transferred.
So deleting hadn’t fixed that part of the problem.
But hate wasn’t why I left anyway- I left because I didn’t want to go through another experience so harrowing-so I thought maybe I could deal with it. But then I got a couple messages about some of my friends who were feeling down, and naturally, I tried to help them as best as I could. Thank goodness it worked. But it got me thinking; all deleting really did was make me stop roleplaying. I was still involved with Love is my Movement, my friends were the same people with the same amazing qualities and the same problems. The only way I could really protect myself from having another experience like the one a few nights ago was if I cut myself off completely from everyone I care about.
And there’s no way I can do that.
There is a form of acceptance that I wish I’d never reached; and that is, you can’t help everyone. And you can’t prevent every kind of harm from reaching the people that matter to you. Pain happens. Hurt happens. Death happens. And sometimes, all you can do is fight as hard as you fucking can; then, afterwards, when everything’s okay and you’re job’s all done, there is quiet suffering.
That’s what I did a couple nights ago, and that’s what I’ll continue to do.
Omg I went off on like a billion tangents
Anyway, I realized that roleplaying wasn’t the problem. Zuko wasn’t the problem. So I came back.
Plus I missed you guys so much oms
So, regardless of the fact that I lost all my followers >.< here I am. And I’m going to continue to love you and care about you and try to help you until the end of time.